She was dusting in the living room when Heather heard a loud crash followed by a string of curses coming from the bathroom. With the certainty gleaned from years of being a care provider, she knew that her husband Max had fallen in the shower.
Panic ate at her insides as she ran through their one-bedroom apartment to the bathroom, unsure of what she would find there but relieved that at least her husband was conscious. Bursting through the door, she saw the sixty-eight-year-old struggling to pull himself over the four-inch threshold of the glass shower stall. Unable to get to his knees, Max was frantically trying to inch his way out but only managing to scrape great swaths across his body in the process—swaths Heather knew would become dark purple bruises in the next couple of days.
“Are you okay?” she asked, realizing how silly the words sounded the minute they came out of her mouth.
“What does it look like?” Max snapped, pain and embarrassment flushing his face. “Please help me get out of here.” Heather shot to her husband’s side. Reaching in, she grasped his hand and pulled him toward her. “See if you can get your hands under my arms and lift me,” he said. “If I can just get to my knees, I think I can manage to stand.”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to lift you,” Heather replied. Her heart thumped against her ribs, and an inexplicable feeling of guilt over a lack of upper body strength caused her head to throb. “I think we should call the fire department. They’ll be able to lift you out and get you back on your feet.”
“No,” her husband begged, his breath coming out in ragged gasps. “I don’t want to call them unless we have to. Hand me that throw rug. If I hang onto one end and you grab the other and pull as hard as you can, I think we can manage.”
Heather felt a rush of relief when she heard a knock on the door after calling the fire department twenty minutes later. While one fireman asked her how long it had been since her husband’s last fall, two more gently turned Max over, lifted him to his feet, and made sure his hands were firmly planted on the handles of his walker before allowing him to make his way to the bedroom where he could lie down.
It’s happening all over again, Heather told herself wearily. All over again.
The Hidden Struggles of Caregivers
Caring for those we care about is a tender trap. We walk into caregiving guided by our love for those we love, determined to be tireless and gentle in every exchange. But, like Heather, we soon learn that the everydayness of being a helper is hard–both for the one being cared for and the one doing the caring. Whether we’re dealing with the memory gaps of an aging parent or managing the pain of a spouse recovering from back surgery, it’s a time when our help is desperately needed and our patience worn thin.
Overwhelmed by physical discomfort and a sudden loss of function, the one being cared for may become impatient with medications given late or dressings applied less than perfectly. While the caregiver is doing their best in a stressful situation, they may find themselves impatient with constant demands and feel unappreciated for doing what can be a twenty-four-seven job piled on top of everything else they have to do. Eventually, if unmanaged and left to stew, this pot of frustration, conflict, and exhaustion can easily boil over—namely, caregiver burnout.
What are the Symptoms of Caregiver Burnout?
Caregiver burnout is more than just exhaustion—it’s a deep, ongoing strain, affecting both body and mind. This is a state reached through long-term stress surrounding the demands of caregiving. Especially at risk are those who lack a solid support system or believe that they are the only one fit for the job. Some common symptoms of caregiver burnout include:
- Unrelenting Fatigue – No matter how much you rest, you feel physically and emotionally drained—causing even simple tasks to feel overwhelming.
- Irritability and Mood Swings – You find yourself constantly on edge, snapping at family members, loved one’s, or those under your care. Small frustrations trigger big emotions, things that once didn’t bother you are now sources of reactivity.
- Loss of Joy and Motivation – Activities that once made you happy now feel like chores, and you struggle to find purpose beyond caregiving.
- Physical Ailments and Weakened Immunity – Frequent headaches, body pain, or a weakened immune system are all signs that stress is taking a toll on your health.
- Neglecting Personal Needs – You skip meals, lose sleep, and push aside your own health because caregiving takes up all your time and energy.
- Persistent Guilt and Self-Doubt – No matter how much you do, it never feels like enough. You’re trapped in a cycle of self-criticism and relentless overanalyzing.
- Withdrawal from Friends and Family – You start avoiding social interactions, either from exhaustion or because you feel like no one understands what you’re going through.
If you recognize these signs of caregiver burnout, it’s crucial to take steps toward self-care, stress management, and seeking support. Burnout doesn’t just affect caregivers—it impacts the quality of care you can provide.
Managing Caregiver Fatigue & Burnout
Whether we care for others as part of our job or take on the role of helper for a friend or family member, it’s easy to see why living in this incubator of conflicting emotions is not only guilt-producing but wears us down. It depletes our emotional reserves and saps the empathy we need to be good helpers. Thankfully, there are tools we can use to help us regain our caregiving equilibrium and recharge our emotional batteries. So, to get you started, here are some self-care tips for caregivers:
- Reach out – One of the best ways to combat the isolation of caregiving and build the support you need, is to reach out to others doing the same thing. While family and friends can provide their own kind of support, there’s nothing like connecting with someone who truly understands what you’re going through. And if meeting in person isn’t an option, try a quick phone call or text of encouragement.
- Laugh – Learning to find humor in what can be challenging and energy-depleting circumstances not only helps you survive the stress of being a care provider but also allows you to thrive. Cracking a joke or telling a funny story is also a great way to lift the spirits of the person being cared for.
- Prioritize – Make sure you’re balancing caregiving and personal life. A care provider has about a million items on their to-do list every single day, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Try to keep your personal life separate from caregiving, making sure you consider your own needs as well as the needs of the person you’re caring for.
- Write it down – If you’re feeling overwhelmed by everything you’ve got on your plate, writing about what you’re dealing with can be the first step toward letting it go (or at least keeping it to a manageable level). Alternatively, listening to a diverting audiobook or podcast can also give your stress a rest.
- Be body wise – As a care partner, you’re in it for the long haul, so respect your instrument by eating right and exercising regularly. Reach for an apple instead of a candy bar, join an aerobics class, or do some cardio from home, and try to get a good night’s sleep while you’re at it.
- Relax – Read a good book, go to the movies, build a birdhouse, or take up the ukulele. Whether it’s a walk in the park or having dinner with a friend, recreation is a must for those who help others. It releases tension and allows us to rejuvenate.
- Seek solitude – If you spend most of your time giving to others, indulging in pockets of time alone is essential. Look for opportunities to find a moment for yourself every day, whether it’s sipping a cup of coffee while gazing out the kitchen window, taking a few minutes to work on a jigsaw puzzle, or walking around the block. Spending time by yourself can help you recharge so that you’ll be ready to take on life’s challenges.
- Be kind to yourself – Caregivers work long, hard hours, often with little thanks, so give yourself a break. Now is not the time to enumerate your faults as a helper or a human being. Show yourself a little self-compassion and learn to forgive yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, you’re doing your best in a tough situation.
Being a good care provider is impossible if you don’t care for yourself first. Maintaining balance in your life can be a hard nut to crack. But if you take the time to look after your body, feed your spirit, balance your needs with those you’re caring for, and reach out to others when you need help, you’ll find that you have the wherewithal to be the patient, empathetic care provider you’ve always wanted to be.
Clinician Spotlight
Cathy Wenberg, LCSW – Supporting Caregivers with Compassion
Caregiving can be deeply rewarding, but it also comes with immense emotional and physical strain. Whether you’re struggling with burnout, grief, or the weight of constant responsibility, Cathy Wenberg, LCSW, at Healing Connections Counseling offers specialized support for caregivers. With radical acceptance of your unique lived experience, you’ll gain lasting tools to manage stress, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize your own well-being.
With over 20 years of expertise in trauma-informed care and mindfulness-based approaches, Cathy provides a compassionate space for caregivers to process their emotions and regain balance. Learn more about her approach and schedule a session with Cathy in person at Healing Connections Counseling, or connect with her virtually through our telehealth services.
Additional Resources & FAQs
Q: Where can I find support groups for caregivers?
A: Caregiver support groups can be found through local hospitals, nonprofit organizations like the Family Caregiver Alliance, and online platforms such as AARP’s Caregiving Community and the Well Spouse Association. Many churches, community centers, and senior services also offer in-person support meetings.
Q: What are my respite care options?
A: Respite care services vary based on location and needs. Options include in-home respite care (temporary caregivers who come to your home), adult day centers, short-term stays at assisted living facilities, and volunteer-based programs through local agencies. The ARCH National Respite Network is a great place to start your search.
Q: Are there financial aid programs for caregivers?
A: Yes, caregivers may qualify for financial assistance through Medicaid waiver programs, Veterans Affairs (VA) benefits, state-specific grants, and nonprofit funding. Some employers also offer paid family leave for caregivers. Check with local Area Agencies on Aging (AAA) for available resources.
Q: Where can caregivers seek mental health counseling?
A: If you are experiencing high levels of caregiver stress, it could be time to seek out a mental health professional. Caregivers can access counseling through licensed therapists, online therapy platforms, caregiver hotlines, and local mental health clinics. Organizations like the National Alliance for Caregiving and Mental Health America provide guidance and referrals. Mental health resources for caregivers are also available through Medicare, Medicaid, and employer assistance programs.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by caregiving, the staff at Healing Connections Counseling can provide you with the strategies you need to become a better helper.
References
Phinney, Connie, (2024, January 7). 5 Tips to Help Caregivers Help Themselves. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/caregivers-in-the-balance/202401/5-tips-to-help-caregivers-help-themselves
Susman, David, PhD, (2024, January 19). A Dozen Self-Care Strategies for Helpers and Caregivers. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-recovery-coach/202401/a-dozen-self-care-strategies-for-helpers-and-caregivers
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.