“I don’t understand why I’m feeling so jealous,” Nick said, raising his hands and then dropping them in his lap. “Tammy has been in my writing group for years. We’ve supported each other through all the ups and downs of trying to get published, but ever since I found out that her short story was picked up by one of those glossy literary magazines, I don’t know how to feel. On one hand, I’m proud of her. I’m genuinely happy for her success and on the other, I’m so envious I can’t see straight.”
Sighing, Nick looked out the window for a moment. “I keep wondering why it hasn’t happened for me lately. It’s gotten so bad that I’m tempted to give up on the whole thing and stop writing altogether.”
Nick’s therapist smiled and said, “First, your success has nothing to do with hers. And secondly, it’s perfectly natural to feel jealous when something like this happens. I’d be jealous if it happened to me. But let’s get back to whether you should continue to write for a moment. I’d like to ask you a question: why did you want to become a writer in the first place?”
Nick was silent for a moment before he replied. “I wanted to write because I think I have something to say. I wanted to make a difference.”
“And if you were never published again, would that still be true?”
“Yes,” Nick said quietly, “I guess it would.”
Like Nick, we all want to make a difference in the lives of those around us and the world we inhabit. We all want to matter.
In this blog, you’ll learn what it means to matter, its core components, and why mattering is essential for mental health and emotional well-being, along with strategies to cultivate a sense of mattering in your own life and in the lives of those around you.
What Does Mattering Mean?
If you’ve ever been praised by your boss for a job well done, been hugged by a friend after commiserating with them about a problem, or someone you care about says, I love you, you understand what mattering means—perhaps without realizing it.
Mattering happens when we feel significant, when we’re valued by those around us, and when we feel consequential in our relationships, work, and personal life.
But if we feel invisible, insignificant, or unvalued, we can suffer from what’s called “anti-mattering.” Anti-mattering is a defense mechanism we use to protect ourselves from the pain of being neglected or considered irrelevant by others. We build an emotional barricade around our feelings, rejecting the need to matter altogether instead of experiencing the sadness that comes from feeling like we don’t count.
Understanding and addressing anti-mattering can be an important part of therapy and personal growth, helping individuals rebuild self-worth and connection.
What Are the Four Components of Mattering?
As we push through the stresses, demands, and joys of life, we all want to be recognized, understood, and cared for by those we encounter every day. Perhaps more than this, we want to make a difference.
There are four ways we measure whether we matter or not:
1. Attention – If we feel that others see us and what’s happening in our lives, we are more likely to feel valued. Simple actions like smiling, making eye contact, or asking how someone is can help them feel seen.
2. Importance – When we can see that our contributions are valued, we feel appreciated by those around us. Understanding that our ideas, work, and personal style are respected helps reinforce that we matter.
3. Dependence and Reliance – When others rely on our unique contributions, we feel needed. Knowing that we add value to the lives of those around us—and would be missed if we were gone—helps us feel integral to our world.
4. Appreciation – Feeling respected and valued not only for what we do but also for who we are helps us feel a deeper sense of worth and belonging.
These components are key to emotional health, resilience, and strong relationships.
Why Does Mattering Matter?
If we all need to feel noticed, respected, and that our accomplishments are valued by our community, it follows that a lack of mattering can affect mental health.
When we don’t think we matter, we can feel trivial, rejected, and disconnected from those around us. Feeling inconsequential can lead to loneliness, anxiety, and depression, causing us to turn inward rather than reach out.
But when we know we count, we’re more likely to feel a sense of belonging and connection. When we feel that we matter to others, our emotional ties become closer, more satisfying, and we feel safe enough to be authentic and compassionate in return.
Mattering matters because it provides purpose, fulfillment, and emotional protection from feelings of isolation. It supports mental wellness and reduces the risk of depression, burnout, and hopelessness—allowing us to live more connected, meaningful lives.
How to Foster a Sense of Mattering
We live in a fast-paced world that often makes us feel like we’re just another cog in the machine. Fortunately, there are many ways to cultivate a sense of mattering, both for ourselves and for others:
Focus on what’s important: Look at your relationships in a different way. Ask yourself who you can be real and honest with. Which relationships aren’t based on your achievements or obligations? Remember, your value isn’t tied to your accomplishments but to how you impact others.
Matter to you: When you make others feel valued, seen, and respected, you also build your own sense of pride and self-worth.
Take action: Instead of focusing on feeling unappreciated, do something of value for others. Volunteer, host a get-together, or help a friend in need. Doing meaningful things makes us feel like we matter.
Identify the ways you matter: List your strengths and how you use them to help others. Then act on it.
Take it easy: Learn to like yourself. When you accept yourself—imperfections and all—you depend less on external validation.
Be thankful: Practice gratitude. When you focus on the good things and people in your life, you feel more connected and less focused on what’s missing.
Embrace living: Engage in activities you love. Whether it’s painting, gardening, or writing, doing what brings you joy reinforces that your time and presence matter.
Lead by example: Ask about others’ lives and listen with genuine care. When you treat others as if they matter, they’re more likely to reciprocate.
These strategies not only boost your emotional health but also strengthen relationships and community bonds.
Conclusion
Let’s face it—everyone wants to count in the lives of those around them. Seeking validation from others can sometimes leave us feeling empty, but when we nurture our strengths, practice self-care, and help others feel valued, we begin to develop true self-worth.
By recognizing that we already matter, we create space for deeper relationships, a stronger sense of purpose, and a more fulfilling life.
If you’re struggling to feel valued or connected, the therapists at Healing Connections Counseling can help you rebuild a strong sense of mattering and self-worth.
References
Etherson, Marianne E. Ph.D. (2020, July 8). If I am Perfect, Will I Matter? Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-costs-perfectionism/202007/if-i-am-perfect-will-i-matter
Noonan, Susan, M.D. (2023, June 27). Why Mattering Matters. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/view-from-the-mist/202306/why-mattering-matters
Whitbourne, Susan Krause, Ph.D. (2022, April 23). Why Mattering Is So Important to Our Mental Health.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202204/why-mattering-is-so-important-our-mental-health
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.