Marty and I were sitting on the couch, watching the twinkling lights wrapped around our Christmas tree and sipping our morning coffee when he said it. “I don’t think we should invite anyone over for the holidays this year.”
“Why? I asked, proud of my ability to whip up a feast at a moment’s notice.
“Because you want everything to be perfect. You get so stressed out, you don’t enjoy the day, and I spend all my time worrying about you.”
My brain spinning with regret, I felt ashamed that my stress and anxiety were stealing joy from someone I loved. I thought about past holidays and realized my husband was right. I’d let my need to have everything “just so” run roughshod over my intention to simply live in the moment and enjoy spending time with people I cared about. Like many of us, I found myself overwhelmed by the strain, worry, and unrealistic expectations this festive season can bring.
In this blog, you’ll discover how the holidays can affect your emotional well-being, strategies for dealing with disagreements around the holiday table and being alone, along with self-care tips that will bring back the joy of the season.
How does the stress of the holidays affect my mental health?
We dive headfirst into our holiday celebrations, vaguely aware of the emotional pitfalls that may be ahead but hoping against hope that this year will be different. Many of us experience loneliness and emotional overload. We find ourselves struggling to select just the right gift, to decorate enough gingerbread, or to be the perfect host. Whether we’re haunted by the bittersweet memories of those no longer with us, feeling left out because we’re alone, or worrying about juggling relatives that don’t get along, maintaining our emotional balance this time of year can be a challenge.
Let’s look at some statistics.
If you find yourself wondering when the holidays changed from a celebration to an emotional obstacle course, you’re not alone. In a survey conducted by the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill in 2022, 64% of participants said they felt depressed during the holidays. Forty-one percent of people who took part in a 2023 American Psychological Association poll said they felt more stressed during the holidays than at other times of the year, blaming unrealistic expectations, over-eating and the drain on their pocketbooks, while participants taking a 2024 American Psychiatric Association survey cited worries about not being able to afford holiday gifts (46%) missing someone they loved (48%) or dealing with difficult family members (32%) as the reasons behind their stress and anxiety.
Dealing with Difficult Conversations
We’ve all been there. Family and friends are gathered around a table groaning with delicious food when someone brings up a topic everyone else has been praying won’t surface, and a sense of dread envelopes the once-happy space. Figuring out how to handle the people we care about when they broach subjects that spark controversy can be daunting, to say the least. Fortunately, there are ways to cut dissension off at the pass and get your holiday gathering back on track—or at the very least, manage to preserve your own sanity in the process.
Before the Holidays
- Be realistic: One of the most critical keys to handling a dispute is realizing that the only person you have control over is you. You’re in charge of how you react and how much you engage.
- Set boundaries: Try your conversational limits, then get comfortable with them. Make a list of the topics that are out of bounds for you and then practice getting them across tactfully. For example, if you’re worried that your office holiday party is going to be a landmine, think about how long you’re willing to stay or if you should skip it altogether.
- Get support: Talk to a family member who feels the same way you do beforehand and ask them to support you when a controversial topic comes up.
- Make a self-care plan: Decide what you’ll do to take care of yourself before and after a potentially dicey holiday event and then put these activities on your calendar to make sure they happen.
Handling Difficult Conversations
- Focus on your feelings: We’re all tempted to blame the other person in the middle of a heated exchange, but don’t go there. Focus on how you feel, and, instead of making accusations such as “You always” or “You never,” try “I feel concerned about…”
- Listen: Hear what the other person is saying instead of figuring out your next point. If you don’t interrupt, they’re more likely to show you the same courtesy.
- Understand: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, even if you disagree with them. Ask questions that get to the reasons why they believe the way they do. Focus on finding common ground instead of trying to win.
- Make a change: Do your best to politely steer the conversation in a neutral direction to cool things down.
- Leave: Remember, it’s okay to step away from the situation if you’re feeling uncomfortable, either by leaving the room or going to a peaceful place in your head.
If Things Get Out of Hand
- Put the blame where it belongs: Remember, the discussion you’re having is probably less about you and more about what the other person is dealing with right now.
- Know when it’s over: If you sense that you’re covering the same points and there’s no hope of finding common ground, it’s okay to step away politely.
What if I find myself alone during the holidays?
Even those of us with big, all-enveloping families can end up going solo this time of year. (A snowstorm that made the roads impassible on a long-ago Thanksgiving comes to mind for me.) But if you’re a singleton during this season of togetherness, you’ll be happy to discover that there are plenty of ways to celebrate on your own.
Getting the most out of your holidays begins with how you think about them. Don’t pretend to be happy when you’re not. It’s natural to feel sad this time of year. Just remember that these feelings won’t last. Refuse to waste your time comparing your holidays to everyone else’s. Forget what you see on TV or those curated posts you run across on social media. Concentrate on the good things and people that populate your life instead. Most of all, don’t berate yourself for not enjoying the holidays more.
Just because you find yourself alone doesn’t mean you have to stay that way. Video chat, call, or shoot a text to a friend or family member you haven’t gotten in touch with for a while. Look around for a cause you feel strongly about and volunteer. Check out your community calendar, then bundle up and attend your local tree lighting or a holiday concert. Take a Christmas cookie baking class or join a book club. Getting past your fear and reaching out to others is a terrific way to give yourself the gift of a joyous holiday.
Finally, celebrate your solitude. Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t mean you can’t create new holiday traditions. Put a turkey breast in the oven and then sit down in front of the TV for a private viewing of your favorite holiday movie. Start reading a beloved book series all over again. Create a holiday playlist and go for a walk in the icy air, stopping at your favorite coffee shop for a latte or a chai tea. Just be sure to add these activities to a self-care checklist you can refer to when you need a holiday recharge.
Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays
The joy of the season will always be diluted with anxiety and stress—whether you’re worried about getting all the treats baked or the presents wrapped by the yuletide finish line, strain and tension can abound. Fortunately, there are ways for you to relax and indulge in the happiest of holidays, no matter the possible pitfalls.
- Get Real: Unrealistic expectations are the enemy of the happy holiday. Adjust your seasonal fantasies accordingly by letting go of the need for things to be perfect and embracing your mistakes. After all, mishaps add piquancy to the celebration and create some of the best memories.
- Focus on You: In our rush to ensure everybody else’s happiness, we forget to take care of ourselves. Eating right, getting enough sleep, and slipping in the occasional workout can help keep our emotional equilibrium. Checking your emotional temperature is also a must. Take a deep breath or go to your happy place when you’re feeling overwhelmed by festive responsibilities.
- Protect Boundaries: Figure out what your limits are and then refuse to feel guilty for respecting them. It’s okay to say no to events that stress and overwhelm you, or people and conversations you’re not comfortable with. Remember, when you conserve your energy by avoiding stressful situations, you’ll have enough left over to celebrate the events and people that nurture you.
- Indulge Feelings: The holidays bring a deluge of mixed emotions, and each is okay to feel, including sadness, loneliness, and overwhelming happiness. Be patient with fluctuating feelings. This is no time to bury your emotions; instead, acknowledge them by talking with someone you trust.
Conclusion
No matter how you celebrate the season, the holidays will always bring stress and anxiety mixed with joy and happiness. But if you shift your focus from your responsibilities to taking care of yourself, get in touch with your emotions, and handle conflict by listening, you can find a balance that allows you to relax, accept more realistic expectations, and find the true meaning of the season.
References
Americans Are More Anxious Than Last Year About the Upcoming Holidays: Healthcare and the Economy Also Major Concerns for Many, (2025, November 18) American Psychiatric Association, psychiatry.org, https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/news-releases/americans-more-anxious-about-the-holidays
Grill, Elizabeth A. Psy.D., (2024, December 1). A Guide to Manage the Holidays with Self-Care and Balance. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-the-womb/202412/a-guide-to-manage-the-holidays-with-self-care-and-balance
Koo, Martha B., MD, (2024, December 3). Staying Healthy Through the Holidays. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/revolutionizing-addiction-recovery/202412/staying-healthy-through-the-holidays
Sofer, Oren J., (2023, December 16). How to Navigate Holiday Conversations with Family. orenjaysofer.com. https://www.orenjaysofer.com/blog/2023-holiday-conversations
Charles Davis is an essayist who has written for several academic publications, The Gay & Lesbian Review and The Christian Science Monitor. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog. He was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose.