One of my dad’s favorite sayings was, “Talking about your problems only makes them worse.”—a bury-your-head-in-the-sand philosophy I unwittingly hauled into all my adult relationships. Seething with unspoken resentments and just-under-the-surface anger, I wallowed in self-pity whenever a disagreement came up, blithely sabotaging one relationship after another, never realizing that my denial-based approach to conflict resolution was the problem.
I spent much of the twenty-two years my husband Mark and I were together not talking about his benevolently controlling ways and how they affected our relationship. Determined to do anything to avoid the fight I was sure would result in rising tension and an emotional wall between us; I refused to talk. Instead, I buried resentments and prayed our problems would go away.
Unfortunately, this sweep-it-under-the-rug approach damaged our relationship, robbing my husband of the opportunity to tell me his side of the story and the two of us the possibility of figuring out how to solve our problems together. It wasn’t until I was able to move past my fear and talk to Mark honestly in a quiet, nonjudgemental way, that we were able to move on with our happy but imperfect life. It was a classic case of conflict avoidance.
In this blog, you’ll learn the meaning of conflict avoidance in relationships, its causes, strategies you can use if you’re involved with someone who avoids conflict, as well as effective options for facing conflict head-on.
What Does Avoiding Conflict Mean?
When we avoid conflict, we actively choose to run away from disagreements, difficult conversations, and most of all confrontation because we’re either afraid of upsetting others, creating tension, or emotional distance from those we care about. We do this in a variety of ways, often without realizing it:
-
We cut conflict off at the pass by changing the subject or emotionally pulling away so others can’t get at us.
-
We give in just to keep the peace instead of standing up for our rights and asking for what we need.
-
We avoid the conflict simmering under the surface of our relationships by denying that problems exist or choosing to be “nice” instead of being honest.
Whichever method we choose, we end up repressing our true feelings—a guaranteed recipe for disaster that can lead to depression, anxiety, or one of those destructive emotional outbursts we’re trying so hard to suppress.
What Causes Conflict Avoidance?
The primary reason we avoid conflict is fear. We fear rejection or criticism. We fear the possibility of raised voices and bitter tears. We fear stubbornly held grudges, emotional distance, or damaging our relationship beyond repair. We may even fear violence.
The tendency to run away from emotional clashes can also come from a lack of confidence. Self-doubt can make us feel we don’t deserve to express our needs or wonder if we have the right tools to resolve our disagreements productively. And if we’ve never learned to assert ourselves, we’ll be hesitant to practice these skills in such a high-stakes situation, let alone tell someone important to us we disagree with them.
Experience can also set us up for avoidance. If we grew up in a home where loud fights were the norm or were shut down and belittled when we tried to express an opinion, we probably won’t feel safe dealing with disagreements. And if we hail from a culture that values cohesiveness or are just natural peacemakers, dealing with problems head-on may not come naturally.
Finally, if the person we’re in conflict with has proven themselves untrustworthy in the past, the issue is too complex, or we fear that if we pull on a single thread, the entire relationship will unravel, we’re more likely to sweep hard issues under the rug than resolve them.
How Do I Deal With Someone Who Avoids Conflict?
If one person in a relationship refuses to deal with conflict, hidden resentments, mistrust, and stagnation can scuttle the relationship altogether. Fortunately, there are tools you can use to increase communication and make conflict resolution in relationships less fraught:
-
Create a safety zone: Don’t try to solve the problem in the moment. Wait until you’re both calm and in a neutral place. Then remind each other why you’re in this together.
-
Step into the other person’s shoes: Let the other person know you understand that their avoidance comes out of fear. Lead with their perspective vs. your own, and when you talk about your point of view, use “I” statements, such as “I feel like there’s a wall between us when we can’t talk about the things we disagree on,” vs. “You don’t care enough about our relationship to talk about our problems.”
-
Take it easy: Remember, the other person may be worried that tackling disagreement directly will cause a rupture in your relationship. Give them the opportunity to air their point of view and the space they need to process their feelings, and then set a date to revisit the issue.
-
Be realistic: If your problem has been festering for a long time, it’ll take you a while to learn how to deal with it in a way that’s workable for both of you. If your partner is violent or isn’t able to deal with conflict in a way that you feel comfortable with, it’s time to get professional help.
How Do I Stop Avoiding Conflict Myself?
Unaddressed conflict leads to an undercurrent of tension and smoldering resentment and can become the acid that eats away at a relationship until it’s destroyed altogether. Fortunately, there are tools you can use to let the other person know what you’re feeling in a non-threatening way:
-
Use conflict avoidance as a signal: Begin to see avoidant feelings as a sign that a problem in your relationship needs to be addressed. It’s okay to disagree. Just do it in a way that lets the other person in on your point of view, taking responsibility for your feelings without placing blame. Remember, dealing with conflict constructively can strengthen your relationship and bring the two of you closer.
-
Face your fear: Experience may have taught you that conflict should be avoided at all costs. Try neutralizing your fear by letting others know what you need in ways that they can hear.
-
Be realistic about other people’s anger: Don’t let your fear of the other person’s anger get blown out of proportion in your head and prevent you from discussing the problem altogether. Since you don’t have any control over the other person’s behavior, concentrate on your own, such as getting their take on the situation and which “I” statements you’ll use to tell them your side of the story.
-
Be Switzerland: Cool down before tackling the issue and get enough emotional distance to create an environment that promotes solutions instead of defenses. Focus on the other person’s behaviors and how they affect you rather than getting personal.
-
Put the other person’s needs first: Show the other person you’re interested in their perspective by calmly listening to what they have to say instead of figuring out how you will make your next point. Let them know that you value their contributions to solving your mutual problem.
-
Communicate wisely: Don’t let things fester. Deal with problems as they arise and as honestly as you can. Besides using “I” statements, take turns speaking, and don’t interrupt. Instead of rehashing the same old points, figure out why they’re important to the other person and then try to find some common ground.
-
Embrace the conflict: No relationship is conflict-free. Coming to terms with the idea that disagreements are inevitable—and that facing them despite your fears is the only way to keep problems from getting out of control—is essential. Remember, issues have a way of bubbling to the surface until they’re dealt with.
Conflict is a natural part of a healthy relationship, and skirting the problems we face will only damage our relationships in the end. But if we try to see conflict as a signal that there’s a problem that needs attention instead of running in the other direction, create a safe space, get the other person’s perspective, and then talk about our point of view without blame, we’ll be a lot more likely to resolve conflict positively—drawing us even closer to the people we care about.
If you’re dealing with conflict avoidance, the counselors at Healing Connections Counseling can give you the tools you need.
References
- Johansen, Robert N., Ph.D., (2025, February 12). Conflict Avoidance: Temporary Peacemaker or Festering Wound.Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-new-gps-for-intimate-relationships/202412/conflict-avoidance-temporary-peacemaker-or
- Shumway, Grady, LMHC., (2025, June 13). How to Deal with a Conflict Avoidant Partner: 9 Ways. Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/how-to-deal-with-a-conflict-avoidant-spouse/
- Strauss Cohen, Ilene, Ph.D., (2017, September 25). How Far Would You Go for Avoidance? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/201709/how-far-would-you-go-for-avoidance
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.