“I feel so guilty whenever I think about the days just before my husband died,” Susan said, wiping away a tear with the tissue her therapist handed her.
“What do you feel guilty about?”
“We had a big fight. He wanted to go to Disney World for two weeks, and I said we couldn’t afford it. I accused him of wasting our money.”
“Had he done anything like this in the past?”
“More than once,” Susan replied, shifting in her seat. “I know what you’re saying, but I still can’t forgive myself for making him unhappy just before he died.”
“Instead of carrying around all that guilt, you might want to cut yourself some slack for what seems like a human response to something you’d dealt with before. You might even give yourself a pat on the back for making what was probably a wise decision under the circumstances.”
“I never thought about it that way,” Susan replied.
Why is it so much easier to beat ourselves up over our past mistakes than to hand ourselves a bit of self-compassion and move on? Probably for the same reason, it’s easier to believe the bad things other people say about us than to accept the compliments we receive.
Like Susan, we humans want to hang on to our mistakes more than we want to let go of them. Perhaps it’s because our worst blunders often involve letting ourselves down in a big way or, worse yet, hurting those we love the most. An unkind word spoken in anger or a hasty decision made without considering the consequences can often have an unintended ripple effect, leaving behind a psychological mark that can sometimes feel irrevocable.
But while regrettable words can’t be unspoken or actions undone, there are ways to get past our mistakes and learn to forgive ourselves. This allows us to rebuild our self-compassion and move on to a future that isn’t hindered by recrimination and self-doubt.
- Own it. To begin the journey, try saying your mistake out loud. The first step in forgiving yourself is examining errors and taking responsibility. This isn’t about giving yourself a free pass but acknowledging your choices and actions.
- Learn. If we start thinking of our mistakes less as reasons to beat ourselves up and more as experiences we can learn from; we can begin to let go of them and move forward. Remember, we’re all just doing the best we can.
- Confront that voice in your head that says you can never do anything right. List the reasons you’re having trouble forgiving yourself and then contrast them with your good qualities. Another option is to write down negative internal messages and then counter each with a compassionate response.
- Act. Sometimes, the shortest path to self-forgiveness is apologizing and making amends to the person you’ve wronged.
- Be your own best friend. If you’re having trouble forgiving yourself, ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if they came to you under similar circumstances.
- Forgive others. Forgiving ourselves makes it more likely that we’ll be able to forgive others. Practicing compassion for us teaches compassion for those around us.
- Show a little kindness. Be sympathetic when it comes to your past mistakes. Remember, you’re worthy of forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves for past mistakes can be an uphill battle. But we can start by owning our miscalculations and learning from our lapses instead of allowing them to fester in our psyche. We can remind ourselves that we are only human after all, thus opening the door to self-empathy and allowing us to chart a clear path forward.
If your inability to get beyond old mistakes is keeping you from moving forward, the therapists at Healing Connections Counseling can help.
References
Kim. John, LMFT. (2024, March 11). How to Forgive Yourself. psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202403/how-to-forgive-yourself
Lindberg. Sara, (2023, January 11). How to Forgive Yourself. Healthline.com. https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-forgive-yourself
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.