“I didn’t know I was being gaslit until years after it happened,” Heath told his therapist. “When I used to tell my husband that something he said hurt me, he’d say that it was “just a joke” and that I was “being too sensitive.”
“And how did you feel when he said that?” the therapist asked.
“Like my feelings didn’t count.” Heath glanced out the window. “When I’d tell him I didn’t think what he said about me was funny, he’d just smile and say, ‘You just don’t get my sense of humor.” I’d walk away feeling so frustrated. I knew something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I read an article about gaslighting, and there they were—the same phrases he used on me. And that’s when I knew what I’d been experiencing had a name and that I wasn’t crazy.”
The term gaslighting has its origins in a classic film in which a young woman’s new husband convinces her that she is slowly going mad by telling her that the gaslights in their late 1800s townhouse aren’t flickering out or that she’s misplaced items he’s hidden from her—all so that he can get his greedy hands on a king’s ransom in jewels she’s inherited. Fortunately, our heroine figures out what’s going on in the final reel, even giving her controlling husband a taste of his own medicine.
Gaslighting isn’t merely a difference of opinion or an excuse not to take responsibility for our negative behaviors. At its core, this phenomenon is about making another person doubt their perceptions. It’s about wielding power and (whether intentional or not) a form of verbal abuse. Gaslighters often isolate their victims from friends and family, teaching them to accept the blame for things they aren’t responsible for.
The perpetrator can be anyone from a supervisor to a parent. Or as in Heath’s case, the person we seek support and validation from the most—our significant other.
The thing that can be so disconcerting about being gaslit, is that it keeps us emotionally off balance. After all, if we can’t believe what’s happening right in front of us, what can we believe? This is exactly what the person doing the gaslighting wants, of course. If they can convince us that our reality isn’t real, then they can continue demeaning and manipulating us without fear of owning their behavior or paying the consequences.
Despite the betrayal and pain, it can cause, there are ways we can protect ourselves from gaslighting and learn to believe in our perceptions again.
- Take a break. If your boss accuses you of not pulling your weight around the office when you suspect the opposite is true, get some space from the issue by suggesting you discuss it later, letting them know that you’ll be prepared to talk about everything you’ve accomplished during the last week.
- Speak up. This can go a long way toward bolstering your self confidence and lets the gas lighter know you understand what they’re up to, signaling that you won’t blindly accept their version of reality anymore. Remind them that your feelings are your feelings and they’re always valid. When they try to convince you that your perception is wrong, calmly and confidently repeat what happened, letting them know that you have different memories of the event and that you don’t need to rehash it.
- Take care of yourself. While this won’t prevent gaslighting, it can make you more clearheaded when it does happen. Increase your confidence through positive affirmations, indulge in a favorite hobby or journal to process your emotions.
- Get a different perspective. Spending time with friends and family can give you time to think, provide you with the support you need to stand on your own two feet and, more importantly, provide you with another take on what you’ve just experienced—a take that can help you figure out whether your perceptions are valid or not.
- Protect yourself. Gaslighting can easily slide into isolation and abuse. If you think you might be in an abusive situation, you owe it to yourself to seek professional help.
Gaslighting is a complex issue. It can cause us to second guess our reality and lose confidence—a circumstance that becomes a vicious circle leading to further self-doubt. But if we can step back enough to reassess the situation, protect ourselves through good self-care and seek the advice of those who care about us, we can regain our emotional equilibrium, allowing us to trust our own perceptions once again.
If you think you may be experiencing gaslighting, the therapists at Healing Connections Counseling can give you the tools you need to search for the truth and learn to believe in your own impressions again.
References
Brennen. Grant Hillary, MD, DFAPA (2023, May 21). The Anatomy of Gaslighting. psychology today.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202305/the-anatomy-of-gaslighting
Raypole. Crystal (2022, June 21) Think You’re Being Gaslit? Here’s How to Respond. Health line.com. https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting
Travers. Mark, Ph.D. (2022, October 7). Three Strategies to Stop a Gaslighter. psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202210/3-strategies-to-stop-a-gaslighter
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.