I’ve always been a control freak. Ever since I was a kid, I had to be in charge. When my brother, sisters, and I played “school,” I was the teacher. If we put on an impromptu play for our parents and the neighbors we managed to drag in, I was the director. When I grew up and began my career, I was the boss.
I thought if I kept my life spinning along within closely guarded parameters, I could keep anxiety at bay. Unfortunately for me and everyone else in my orbit, I didn’t realize that control was impossible until I skirted seniority. And when my husband glanced up at me after another of my attempts to manage him and said, “I’m so sorry you can’t control every aspect of my life,” I realized I had a problem.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to give advice when we’re asked for it, and steering the direction of our lives isn’t a bad thing. But being inflexible in the face of the inevitable curve balls life throws at us creates a pressure cooker of frustration and anger that just brings on more anxiety.
When our lives are ruled by the belief that we’re always skating on the edge of disaster, or we’re afraid that we don’t have the wherewithal to deal with inevitable mishaps, it’s easy to see why we resort to flailing attempts at managing our world. The problem is that trying to control things doesn’t work. Others don’t like being managed any more than we do, and the only thing we can control is ourselves.
Fortunately, there are strategies we can use to let go of the need to control, learn to harness inner strengths, and embrace the joy of going with the flow:
- Name your fear. Our desire to control is tied to the things we’re afraid will happen, and identifying our fears is the first step in conquering it. Ask yourself what will happen if you aren’t in charge. Do you always expect the worst? How likely is it that the worst will happen?
- Be okay with the out-of-control. Practice accepting that the only one you can control is you. When you let go of the need to manage, you’ll free yourself from the stress and worry that comes with it. If you start with something small, like leaving dirty dishes in the sink when you’re dying to put them in the dishwasher, you’ll be more likely to achieve success.
- Flex. Learn to accept that you’re not always right and trust other’s ability to make decisions that work for them even though their choices aren’t yours. Separate problems that are yours to solve from the ones that are the responsibility of others.
- Stop trying to predict the future. No matter how much you plan, there will be times when things don’t work out. Learn to be okay with thinking on your feet and working with the hand you’re dealt without having to achieve perfection.
- Talk. Practice positive self-talk when you feel yourself drifting back into your old controlling ways. Give yourself messages like, “I can be okay with not knowing what’s going to happen next., “My way isn’t the only way,” and “I trust other people’s choices.”
- Control you. By focusing on what you think and do vs. the thoughts and actions of others, you shift your energies to the things you can change and the inner resources you’ll need to come up with solutions that work.
- Trust in you. Make a list of your problem-solving capabilities. It’s all about knowing you’ll be okay because you’ve got the skills and strength to move forward with the resources available and the flexibility to deal with whatever results.
Control is a tough nut to crack for those of us wrestling with anxiety. But if we start letting go of our need to dominate just a little, focus on the problems that are ours to solve, and realize that we have the knowledge and talent to handle whatever happens, we’ll be one step closer to taking life in stride.
If you’re overwhelmed with anxiety or feel like you have to be in control for things to be okay, the therapists at Healing Connections can help.
References
Martin, Sharon, DSW, LCSW, (2021, March 3). How to Stop Being Controlling. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202103/how-to-stop-being-controlling
McCarthy, Noelle, LCSW, NCC (2024, January 3). The Problem with Control. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/unpacking-anxiety/202401/the-problem-with-control
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.