“I feel guilty anytime I’m doing something that isn’t related to my job,” Ashley said, her fingers working the tissue in her lap. “I listen to audiobooks at night because I feel lazy when I read for pleasure during the day, and I can’t remember the last time I watched an entire TV show without a pile of work in front of me or checking my phone for work-related texts and emails.
“What about going for a walk or grabbing a cup of coffee?” her therapist asked. “Sometimes taking yourself out of the environment that means ‘work’ to you can break the cycle.”
“That’s just it,” the young woman replied, “Even when I’m not working, I’m thinking about work. My brain won’t stop no matter what I do.”
Ashley sighed. “I thought when I cut down to part-time, things would be different, but the number of hours I work doesn’t seem to matter in relation to the effort I think I have to put in. It’s not just that I don’t seem to know how to have fun anymore; it feels like doing something just for me is wrong.
Her therapist smiled and said, “Ashley, I think it’s time we have a conversation about guilt and how it relates to something called relaxation remorse.”
In this blog, you’ll learn what relaxation remorse is, why we feel guilty about taking care of ourselves, the benefits of relaxing, how to dispel the “relaxing is lazy” myth, and ways to rest without guilt.
What is relaxation remorse anyway?
Relaxation remorse or rest guilt is the voice in our head telling us we need to be productive or we don’t count. Fueled by societal messages to live our lives under the pressure of a firehose, the anxiety and shame we feel when we stop pursuing productivity by taking a break are classic symptoms of this guilt-fed phenomenon. Relaxation remorse not only assures us that our self-worth hangs on the hook of our output but tells us plainly that by taking care of ourselves we’re wasting time.
With all these negative messages crowding our heads, it’s no wonder that rest guilt makes us feel irritable and less than satisfied with who we are. It can also leave us feeling edgy, anxious, and out of sorts, rather than rejuvenated, when we relax. We find ourselves exhausted and uninspired just when we should be bringing energy and creativity to our efforts—thereby shutting off the flow of productivity we were trying so hard to maintain in the first place.
Why do I feel guilty and ashamed when I relax?
Most of us start getting messages tying our self-esteem to our accomplishments when we’re kids. Ashley remembers her parents accusing her of not “applying herself” when she didn’t get the grades they thought she should, even though she worked hard in school—a message that planted the seed of future workaholism.
This fixation becomes not just about how many hours we put in or the number of reports we write, but connects our self-worth and emotional equilibrium to what we do rather than who we are. And as we move into adulthood, the “if I’m not producing, I’m not valuable” compulsions of childhood can become an addiction.
In the accelerated, second-by-second-paced world we live in today, it’s easy to believe that if we slow down, we’ll lose our edge, things will spin out of control, or we’ll disappoint those who are counting on us. Desperate to matter, we buy into the belief that pushing past exhaustion makes us a hero. As a result, we get lost in a seductive positive-reinforcement loop that makes rest feel uncomfortable and quiet moments seem like failure, while we watch as workaholism is rewarded on the job.
We can maintain this high-octane existence in the short run, but what happens when we age out of the endurance and energy of our youth? When we hit our mid-forties and early sixties, we experience energy plateaus that can cause us to crash physically and emotionally if we’re living our lives at full tilt. And when this happens, we’ll run into issues such as weight gain, migraines, back pain, and insomnia, even becoming more accident-prone because of the exhaustion we feel.
The “Relaxing is Lazy” Myth and the Benefits of Rest
Rest guilt gets a lot of its currency from the “relaxing is lazy” myth. Like many other aspects of this phenomenon, this fallacy finds its roots in the “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” beliefs of our puritanical forebears. It’s based on the flimsy yet harmful idea that only those who continually produce are worthy of their humanity.
Unfortunately, we’ve managed to drag this harmful premise into the twenty-first century, allowing it to fuel our belief that to count, we must contribute at all times, and if we don’t, we can only be compared to creatures of the sloth variety.
This myth couldn’t be farther from the truth. Instead of slowing us down, rest makes us more productive. It clears our head, allowing our brains to become fertile ground for ideas we wouldn’t have thought of if our creative flow was shut off by exhaustion. Rest also allows our bodies to recharge, tamps down stress, and stops burnout in its tracks.
Taking a break not only sharpens our memory but reduces body aches and pains, allowing us to chase out-of-reach ideas with pinpoint accuracy. Instead of decreasing our ability to get things done, rest allows us to be productive over a longer stretch.
How to let yourself relax without feeling guilty
Since many of us have been taught from childhood that our worth is equal to what we accomplish, learning to take care of ourselves is a tall order, to say the least. Fortunately, there are strategies we can use to conquer our feelings of guilt and use relaxation as a tool to achieve a happy, well-rounded life.
Be Honest with Yourself: Step back for a moment and think about how much time you spend truly relaxing. This means you’re not figuring out your next work challenge. You’re not running errands. You’re not doing anything. Now, let’s up the ante. If you’re relaxing, you’re not stressed out about something or burdened by what you have left to do. If you’re not doing any of these things, then you’re totally relaxed. If you are, you have some work to do.
Be Compassionate: Cut yourself and others some slack when it comes to the need for rest. Refuse to call yourself or others “lazy” when you’re tired and need to take a break.
Reframe Rest: This is about learning to see relaxation as an investment in your future productivity, rather than something to be earned only after running yourself into the ground. Instead of being a roadblock to efficient output, relaxation can help guarantee your future success. Think of it as investing the time you need to recharge and keep mental sharpness.
Remember, if you rest now, you’ll be able to think clearly and be more productive later.
Rest Actively: Taking a break doesn’t mean taking a nap. Going for a walk or having a chat with a good friend can stimulate our creativity and help us organize our thoughts. Try carving out at least an hour each week to do something you enjoy that has nothing to do with your job.
Separate Work and Rest: Work isn’t rest and rest isn’t work. Build firm boundaries around the two by doing something that signals the end of your workday and the beginning of relaxation for you. For instance, jot down the things you’d like to get done tomorrow. Then shut down your device and spend the next twenty minutes reading your favorite magazine before thinking about what you’re going to do for dinner.
Turn Guilt on Its Head: When you start feeling guilty about resting, think about where you got the idea that rest was “bad” in the first place. Start sorting through these misconceptions by writing them down and then countering them with the benefits relaxation can bring to your life. If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, it may be time to seek the help of a therapist.
Prize Sleep: This is the first mistake most of us make when it comes to maintaining optimal productivity. Remember, a lack of sleep sabotages our ability to make clear choices, keep our emotional equilibrium and sharpen long-term memory. Make good sleep more likely by coming up with an every night sleep routine. Go to your happy place, do a body scan and, above all, turn off your phone so you won’t be tempted to check work related texts and emails when you should be resting.
Conclusion
The guilt we feel because of our very human need to recharge after working hard is a tough nut to crack. But if we assess our relaxation levels honestly, schedule restful activities and stop thinking of ourselves as lazy but rather as creatures that need to rejuvenate to get things done, we’ll be more likely to approach rest and relaxation rationally, thereby giving ourselves the opportunity to live a more productive and well-balanced life.
References
Wei, Marilynn.MD. J.D., (2025, April 14). How to Rest Without Guilt. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/urban-survival/202503/how-to-rest-without-guilt
Hanson, Rick. Ph.D., (2024, January 30). Why We Should Encourage Our Minds to Rest. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-wise-brain/202401/encourage-your-mind-to-come-to-rest
Charles Davis is an essayist who has written for several academic publications, The Gay & Lesbian Review and The Christian Science Monitor. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog. He was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose.