The number one thing couples fight about is money. If you’re wondering why, theories abound. But whether one person has a more relaxed attitude towards money matters than the other or a couple disagrees on how their dollars should be spent, their approach to shared finance can cause a chasm as deep as the Grand Canyon and be about as easy to traverse. This makes it less likely that couples will engage in open and honest discussions about their financial situation and how to handle it.
Life partners have difficulty talking about money mainly because of the mixed messages they receive about it from the beginning. From childhood, we’re taught to keep a zipped lip where funds are concerned. We’re told it’s wrong to ask how much money a person makes or what they paid for this or that. Neither a surplus nor lack of dollars is to be discussed outside (or often inside) the family. And growing up with less than we need can bring a sense of shame.
Handling finances together also raises issues of control and responsibility. Whether they surface because one person makes more money than the other or attempts to keep the other’s spending habits in check, the resulting struggle can precipitate more than a few feelings of powerlessness and resentment in their wake. These feelings are often mixed since the apparent need for control can stem from the genuine fear that if one person spends on something the other person sees as reckless today, the couple may not have the funds they need for a necessity tomorrow.
Another casualty of the money pit is trust. If one person is at odds with the other about how much money should be saved or spent and in which categories, both may feel a lack of trust in their judgment regarding money—not exactly a breeding ground for the frankness needed when it comes to putting together a shared budget.
But perhaps the most likely reason couples argue about money is because the way they allocate it has the most far reaching and global effect on the quality of their life together, often dictating just how that life is lived now and far into the future.
With all the taboos and emotional pitfalls surrounding it, is it any wonder that finances are often the last thing couples want to talk about? Add to this, the opposite approach pairs can take where money is concerned, the probability of the taboo subject igniting an argument or the stress of an impending financial crisis and it’s easy to understand why they avoid discussions about money like the plague.
Despite these roadblocks to financial harmony, there are tools couples can use to diffuse the tension and help them sort out the money puzzles they face.
- Talk, talk, talk. Being open with one another about your approach to money and true financial picture is the first step toward creating fiscal compatibility in a relationship. Work to create an environment where you can talk about dollars without fear of blame or guilt.
- Set achievable goals. Look into your shared future and decide what it is you want out of your fiscal life, whether it’s buying your dream home, paying off credit cards, traveling to an exotic locale, or saving for retirement.
- Build a budget together. Whatever you come up with should be based on your mutual income and expenses. Then make sure to review it periodically, particularly if your financial circumstances change.
- Spending Habits. After taking a look at your bank statements, track your daily spending. You might be surprised to find out just how much you’re forking over at your favorite coffee emporium every month or the total number of streaming services you’re supporting.
- Slush funds. It’s a good idea for each of you to have the option of buying something you’ve always wanted. Just make sure you’ve set a spending limit beforehand. And when it comes to those big-ticket items you’ve both been eyeing, make sure to discuss before you buy.
- Debt Removal. Sit down and work out a plan to cut down on your debt footprint. Start with the highest interest rate debts first and work from there, celebrating your accomplishments as you go.
- Talk to a professional. Seeking the advice of an expert in couples finance can help you build a solid fiscal future such as investments or retirement.
Coming out the other end of the money maze with our relationship intact can be a challenge, but if we get past our initial reticence where dollars are concerned and open ourselves up to a candid discussion about our financial situation and attitudes, we can begin to set goals and build a plan that can propel our relationship into the future and perhaps achieve a dream or two in the process.
References
Chaplan. Brooke, (2023, August 3). How to Manage Money as a Couple:13 Practical Ways. Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/finance/how-to-handle-finances-together/
Alberhasky. Max, Ph.D. (2023, September 10). 3 Tips for Financial Happiness in Your Relationship.Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychology-money-and-happiness/202309/3-tips-for-financial-happiness-in-your-relationship
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.