I was surprised by the result when I typed this question into my search bar. The number one thing people search for when it comes to loneliness is the haunting lyrics of Justin Bieber’s 2021 hit, “Lonely.” At first glance, this shatteringly introspective look at a pop icon’s feelings of separateness doesn’t seem a good fit for the loneliness the rest of us live with, but if we dig a little deeper, we find messages that resonate.
Why has “Lonely” struck such a chord?
When Bieber’s lyrics remind us that “everything is not the same now” and “it feels like all of our lives have changed,” we find something we can all grab onto because we’re reminded of the everyday chaos of our lives. And when he tells us that having everything “but no one’s listening” is the essence of loneliness, we understand his pain. We know what it feels like when nothing is the same and no one is listening. Like Justin, we’ve all shaken hands with this kind of loneliness.
In this blog, you’ll learn what loneliness is, its effects, whether it’s normal to feel lonely in a relationship, and tips for dealing with the feelings of disconnection that are part of all our lives.
What does it mean to be lonely?
This one seems obvious. Don’t feelings of loneliness come from being alone? Not necessarily. Loneliness doesn’t just result from not having someone to be with; it’s about how we perceive our world. At its heart, loneliness is about feeling disconnected from and unseen by those around us—an irony when you consider that we’re virtually connected to everyone at any given moment via the smart device that’s probably resting in our palm. But it turns out that we need more than a legion of followers on Instagram or a host of Facebook friends to combat the disconnection we feel.
Loneliness ebbs and flows in our lives, spurred by ever-changing circumstances. All of us have felt isolated and unseen in the middle of a crowd, surrounded by the everyday cacophony that is our family, or in the arms of someone we love. Loneliness makes us feel empty and unwanted, as if we’re walking around with a hole in our psyche. These feelings of incompleteness can also prevent us from reaching out to others, thereby robbing us of the very connection we’re looking for and creating a lack of confidence in social situations.
How does loneliness affect me?
Feeling isolated from those around us carries a lot of emotional baggage. In addition to sadness, anxiety, and depression, people who experience loneliness can also find themselves dealing with problems with insomnia and emotional eating.
Chronic isolation can threaten how we perceive ourselves, drowning our self-esteem in feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness. It can also hamper our ability to concentrate and get things done, interfering with our capacity to make sound decisions, causing us to grab for less-than-positive choices like indiscriminate alcohol and drug use.
Even more disturbing, loneliness can lead to long-term health issues with serious consequences, including heart disease, stroke, and even dementia.
Is it normal to feel lonely in a relationship?
It’s common to feel pockets of isolation even when we’re living in the middle of a healthy relationship. If you’re feeling a disconnect from your partner, there could be a number of factors at play:
1. Life changes: Did you just move across country? Land a new job? Tie the knot? Whether you’ve experienced the overwhelming joy of welcoming a new addition to your family or the tragedy of loss, major life events can throw your relationship off kilter and lead to feelings of isolation from your partner.
2. Differing Communication Styles: If your partner keeps everything inside while you need to be open about your feelings, your divergent approaches may cause a disconnect in your relationship.
3. Leaving Conflict Unattended: Is anything more isolating than holding onto a grudge for dear life? Festering disagreements nurture resentment and create deep emotional chasms between partners.
4. Neglecting Intimacy: If you don’t share your inner thoughts and feelings or nurture the physical side of your relationship, you’ll inevitably begin to feel isolated from the one you love.
5. Letting the Outside In: Like the ever-changing circumstances of our lives, outside elements can contribute to feelings of separation in a relationship. Whether we find ourselves saddled with the stress of dealing with a new boss or a flurry of social obligations, the things we’re dealing with externally can make us feel disconnected from the person we love.
How do I deal with my feelings of loneliness?
While it’s normal to feel lonely at times, a sense of detachment can make it seem like we’re facing life’s challenges alone, even when surrounded by friends and family. Fortunately, there are ways we can increase our connections quotient and make peace with the periodic feelings of isolation that are part and parcel of being human.
1. Pay Attention: It’s impossible to curb our feelings of separation if we don’t know where they come from in the first place. Think about the things you’re doing that make you feel lonely vs. those that make you feel connected to others. Write them down and then make a concerted effort to engage in activities that build bonds with those you care about.
2. Take Care of You: Remember, loneliness stems from our perception of the world around us. Chances are our feelings of isolation have less to do with how other people take care of us and a lot more to do with how we care for ourselves. When you’re feeling unseen by those around you, don’t point the finger; do something to nurture yourself by taking a trip to your favorite spa or indulging in an impromptu picnic.
3. Share the Little Things: Don’t wait until you get that promotion to give your best friend a call. Take every opportunity to celebrate the good things that come your way, big or small, with more than just a text. Forging everyday links can keep feelings of loneliness at bay.
4. Make Face-to-Face Connections: The fact that we live almost entirely online these days only seems to increase our sense of isolation. But if we work on building relationships in real life, we’ll be much less likely to become overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. Volunteer for your favorite cause. Join an exercise class. If you can’t find a group activity that sparks your interest, start one of your own.
5. Stop Playing the Blame Game: When we feel lonely, it’s easy to get trapped in an endless cycle of negative thinking, e.g., “If only I’d done this or that, I wouldn’t be feeling so isolated right now.” The truth is, simply ruminating on our lonely state and how we got there isn’t going to change things. Stop the downward spiral by taking action. Visit your local museum and take in the latest exhibit, or go to lunch with a friend.
6. Invest in Relationships: Everywhere we look, we get the message that the important thing in life is to buy the latest electronic necessity or another pair of high-end sneakers. But when we invest in life experiences that involve the people who are important to us, we invest in ourselves, decreasing our feelings of separateness. Spending money on activities that build and cement relationships is a better investment than buying something for ourselves.
7. Adopt a Pet: Inviting another living creature into our lives can fill a huge void, regardless of its size or species. Whether shifting the focus away from us or giving us the opportunity to interact with other pet fanciers, pets can make us feel less alone.
8. Envision Connection: If you keep your commitment to connections with others front and center, you’re more likely to nurture and build relationships that will stave off feelings of loneliness. Create a vision board, make a plan, or start a checklist of the things you want to do to maintain the relationships in your life.
9. Make It Easy on Yourself: Mistakes are inevitable when improving your isolation quotient, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Practice self-compassion if you accidentally overwhelm your friends in a bid to feel a bit more connected to the world around you. Practice doesn’t always make perfect, but it means you’ll be less likely to make the same mistake next time.
Since more of us are living alone, working remotely, and connecting digitally, loneliness will weave itself in and out of our lives on a regular basis. Thankfully, there are ways we can not only learn to live with our feelings of separation but also use them as a signal to bravely step out into the world and connect with those around us. If we think about what we’re doing that makes us feel lonely, take care of ourselves instead of expecting others to take care of us, share the small stuff, invest in relationships instead of things, and make a concerted effort to forge links in real life, we’ll be a lot less likely to feel unseen and under-appreciated by those around us.
If you’re dealing with feelings of loneliness and separation, the counselors at Healing Connections Counseling can give you the tools you need.
References
Newsonen, Susanna, (2024, July 9). Why Are We So Lonely? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-to-passionate-happiness/202407/why-are-we-so-lonely
Davis, Tchiki, Ph.D., (2024, June 1). Feeling Lonely? Discover 18 Ways to Overcome Loneliness. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/201902/feeling-lonely-discover-18-ways-to-overcome-loneliness
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.