I resisted therapy for decades. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have problems, but like a lot of people, I thought I was doing just fine without help. I could always come up with an excuse to avoid being in therapy. I told myself it was because I didn’t have the time or the money, but the real reason was that I was scared of being that vulnerable.
When my husband of twenty-two years died, I still resisted. Hopelessly devastated and lost, I made a few half-hearted attempts to look for a grief support group. But when I found one, I told myself it didn’t really fit my needs. I was lucky enough to have friends who were therapists, and they helped me make it through, but somewhere in the back of my head, I knew it wasn’t enough.
I wrote about my husband and our lives together, and it helped to sort through the experiences Michael and I shared, but I still found myself awake at 4:00 am wondering if I was doing it right. Was I grieving him correctly? Was I sad enough? Was I moving on with my life too quickly?
Two years later, I met a sweet man named Marty, promptly fell in love, and moved across the country to build a new life. I was deliriously happy for a few months, and then words began to escape me. Suddenly, they wouldn’t come into my head when I needed them—words like “door,” “description,” and “crab cake.” I wondered if I was losing my mind.
After weeks of panic and pretending nothing was wrong, I decided to get an MRI, but having my head examined revealed nothing out of the ordinary. I made an appointment with a psychologist and underwent a battery of tests designed to uncover holes in my memory. When I heard the young man who administered them assure me that my memory was light years ahead of many of the patients he saw every day, I was both enormously relieved and mystified.
“If I don’t have dementia or, at the very least, aphasia, what the hell is wrong with me?” I asked Dr. Richards as Marty and I sat in his office for the follow-up consultation. He just smiled and said, “Considering what you’ve been through in the last couple of years, it isn’t surprising that you’ve been having problems with word-finding. My suggestion is that you find a good therapist to help you work through the anxiety and depression you’ve been feeling. I can make a few recommendations if you’d like.”
“If I don’t have dementia or, at the very least, aphasia, what the hell is wrong with me?” I asked Dr. Richards as Marty and I sat in his office for the follow-up consultation.
And that’s when I decided it was time to give therapy a try. My GP recommended Helen, a psychotherapist he’d worked with in the past, and with a thundering heart, I went to my first session. Instead of clamming up like I thought I would, I didn’t shut up for the entire fifty minutes. I cried. I talked about missing Michael and adjusting to living with someone new. Then, I eagerly made an appointment for the following week because I had so much more to say.
Since starting my therapeutic journey a year ago, my ability to word-find has improved, and I’ve discovered what it is to have someone in my corner—a guide on the side if you will. I’ve also learned a thing or two about myself–that the feelings of lingering sadness over the husband I lost will recede over time, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that I’m not too fond of it when things get out of control, but I have the wherewithal to deal with them when they do. I’ve learned that I deserve to ask for what I want, that I need to put myself in someone else’s shoes more often and to choose anger less. But the most important thing being in therapy has taught me is how to become a better human being, and for me, that’s one of the most important life lessons of all.
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If you’re experiencing grief or loss, talking with a therapist can help you deal with these feelings and move forward with your life without losing your connection to the one you lost. If you’re looking for support in dealing with grief or developing positive relationships with others or yourself, the therapists at Healing Connections Counseling can help. Give us a call today to get started.
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.