I’ve always been a control freak. Ever since I was a kid, I had to be in charge. When my brother, sisters, and I played “school,” I was the teacher. If we put on an impromptu play for our parents and the neighbors we managed to drag in, I was the director. When I grew up and began my career, I was the boss.
I thought if I kept my life spinning along within closely guarded parameters, I could keep anxiety at bay. Unfortunately for me and everyone else in my orbit, I didn’t realize that control was impossible until I skirted seniority. And when my husband glanced up at me after another of my attempts to manage him and said, “I’m so sorry you can’t control every aspect of my life,” I realized I had a problem.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to give advice when we’re asked for it, and steering the direction of our lives isn’t a bad thing. But being inflexible in the face of the inevitable curve balls life throws at us creates a pressure cooker of frustration and anger that just brings on more anxiety.
What is The Illusion of Control?
Coined by U.S. psychologist Ellen Langer, The Illusion of Control is a psychological bias causing an overestimation of one’s ability to control events. People experiencing this phenomenon will believe they can influence situations and outcomes that are, in reality, completely up to chance. This can also lead one to think they hold more power over others’ thoughts and behaviors than possible. Although notably used to explain the mindset behind gambling addiction and paranormal enthusiasm, this illusion is actually much more ordinary. In fact, it can easily be observed in our own lives, as well as in the lives of those around us.
Have you ever frantically pressed the elevator “door close” button over and over when you’re in a rush, hoping it will make the doors close faster? A famously mundane example of the Illusion of Control, actions such as this have no tangible influence over the situational outcome. However, the same phenomenon that causes you to break the elevator button, or dig your “lucky” socks out of the hamper for a big test, can actually take root in fundamental aspects of our psychology.
Some psychologists believe the Illusion of Control can be beneficial, as it may reduce feelings of helplessness and boost well-being by fostering confidence in one’s ability to create change. The problem arises when this illusion begins to negatively affect yourself and others, leading to control-based anxiety.
Control-Based Anxiety
When our lives are ruled by the belief that we’re always skating on the edge of disaster, or we’re afraid that we don’t have the wherewithal to deal with inevitable mishaps, it’s easy to see why we resort to flailing attempts at managing our world. The problem is that trying to control things doesn’t work. Inevitable or chance occurrences outside our realm of influence cannot be changed. Not to mention others don’t like being managed any more than we do—the only thing we can control is ourselves.
Control-based anxiety is born from a fear of the unknown, a perceived lack of control. It’s born from the belief that if certain aspects of life aren’t carefully managed, things will spiral out of control. One will be inclined to carefully monitor and manipulate their surroundings, desperate to avoid discomfort or failure. Thus, a vicious cycle emerges. The more we try to control, the more distressed we become when things don’t go as planned. Anxiety thrives in environments where perfection is expected, and any deviation feels like a threat. The belief that life can—and should—be mastered leads to stress, impaired decision-making, and undermines confidence.
People with control-based anxiety will engage in excessive planning, overthinking, or micromanaging to feel secure, leading to inevitable burnout and frustration. This behavior can harm relationships, limiting opportunities for genuine collaboration or connection, even pushing away those that care about us. Whether we like it or not, uncertainty is a consequence of existence. The natural flow of life requires us to embrace this uncertainty—if we ever want to feel free from the cycles that bind us in anxiety.
Strategies for Reducing Control-Based Anxiety
Fortunately, there are strategies we can use to let go of the need to control, learn to harness inner strengths, and embrace the joy of going with the flow:
- Name your fear. Our desire to control is tied to the things we’re afraid will happen, and identifying our fears is the first step in conquering it. Ask yourself what will happen if you aren’t in charge. Do you always expect the worst? How likely is it that the worst will happen?
- Be okay with the out-of-control. Practice accepting that the only one you can control is you. When you let go of the need to manage, you’ll free yourself from the stress and worry that comes with it. If you start with something small, like leaving dirty dishes in the sink when you’re dying to put them in the dishwasher, you’ll be more likely to achieve success.
- Flex. Learn to accept that you’re not always right and trust other’s ability to make decisions that work for them even though their choices aren’t yours. Separate problems that are yours to solve from the ones that are the responsibility of others.
- Stop trying to predict the future. No matter how much you plan, there will be times when things don’t work out. Learn to be okay with thinking on your feet and working with the hand you’re dealt without having to achieve perfection.
- Talk. Practice positive self-talk when you feel yourself drifting back into your old controlling ways. Give yourself messages like, “I can be okay with not knowing what’s going to happen next., “My way isn’t the only way,” and “I trust other people’s choices.”
- Control you. By focusing on what you think and do vs. the thoughts and actions of others, you shift your energies to the things you can change and the inner resources you’ll need to come up with solutions that work.
- Trust in you. Make a list of your problem-solving capabilities. It’s all about knowing you’ll be okay because you’ve got the skills and strength to move forward with the resources available and the flexibility to deal with whatever results.
Control is a tough nut to crack for those of us wrestling with anxiety. But if we start letting go of our need to dominate just a little, focus on the problems that are ours to solve, and realize that we have the knowledge and talent to handle whatever happens, we’ll be one step closer to taking life in stride.
Seeking Help for Control-Based Anxiety
Therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), has been proven to help individuals recognize their control issues and shift their perception of anxiety. CBT helps challenge the beliefs behind the need to control, offering practical skills to manage anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), social anxiety, or panic disorder.
When we learn to let go of the illusion of control, we begin to develop healthier coping mechanisms and mental health resilience. Treatment through therapy can provide a path toward reducing the symptoms of anxiety, offering long-term relief. Remember, the process of learning to accept uncertainty and relinquish control is an ongoing journey. Taking small steps to reduce controlling behaviors can lead to profound improvements in your overall health and well-being.
At Healing Connections Counseling, our clinical experts are dedicated to helping you reduce anxiety and address control issues. We offer a range of different types of therapy, along with information to guide you in your journey toward improved health care. Start your search today for a mental health professional who can help you regain control over the parts of life that can be managed—and let go of what can’t be.
Clinician Spotlight
Zach Meints – Methods of CBT, Interpersonal, and Gestalt
If control-based anxiety is significantly affecting your life, working with a skilled therapist can help you find relief. With over fourteen years experience in mental health—Zach Meints is a dedicated clinician at Healing Connections Counseling, specializing in anxiety, trauma, and identity exploration. Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), he helps clients break free from limiting beliefs, navigate life’s uncertainties, and build lasting resilience. His therapeutic style blends humor, directness, and deep compassion, creating a supportive space for authentic growth and healing.
Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, self-doubt, or major life transitions, Zach is committed to helping you develop the tools to move forward with confidence. Learn more about Zach and how he can support you on your journey toward greater self-acceptance and emotional well-being. Book an appointment to meet with him through Healing Connections Counseling’s telehealth services.
If you’re overwhelmed with anxiety or feel like you have to be in control for things to be okay, the therapists at Healing Connections can help.
References Martin, Sharon, DSW, LCSW, (2021, March 3). How to Stop Being Controlling. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202103/how-to-stop-being-controlling McCarthy, Noelle, LCSW, NCC (2024, January 3). The Problem with Control. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/unpacking-anxiety/202401/the-problem-with-control
About the Author
Charles Davis, MSW, has written for several academic publications and was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose. He lectures on a variety of disability issues, including legal rights and sexuality. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog.