I was listening to the lyrics of Ellie Goulding’s haunting “Black Prada Dress” when it hit me.
“Always saying something shitty after saying something nice,” she intoned, the cutting notes of her internal reverie echoing underneath the words. “You know every single button to press. It doesn’t feel like love to me.” It was in that moment that I realized that one of the most successful British female imports of our time was singing about the life I once lived.
Everybody described Zack as “larger than life,” and he was. I’d never met anyone so unshakeable in his every opinion, so resolute in every point of view. He wore confidence effortlessly—a thing I’d never managed to do, and it was this, along with a dazzling smile and a showman’s joie de vivre, that drew me in. Zack possessed me in those early days, and I was happy to be possessed.
Then the cracks began to show. He’d say something cutting, and when I told him that it hurt, he’d assure me that he was “joking,” and that I “didn’t get” his “sense of humor,” or was being “too sensitive.”
When we missed an important appointment because he didn’t get ready on time, he’d say it was because I didn’t remind him earlier. The king of the grand gesture, Zack would surprise me with a night of pampering in the presidential suite of a luxury hotel one day and shower me with belittling words because I forgot to pack his favorite shirt the next. Then he’d top things off by giving me the silent treatment until he felt I’d learned my lesson.
Jealous of those who were close to me, Zack was always ready with a reason my friends and family had betrayed me and should be avoided at all costs.
Dwelling on the good days sprinkled among the bad, I soldiered on, convinced that my husband’s imperious, self-centered ways were all just part of the normal give and take of marriage. But time and Ellie Goulding’s lyrics have taught me that I was wrong, that much of what “felt like love” back then wasn’t love at all—it was narcissistic abuse.
In this blog, you’ll discover what narcissistic abuse is, the five habits of the narcissist, how the narcissistic cycle plays out in relationships, as well as ways to beat the narcissist at their own game and survive on the other side.
What is narcissistic abuse?
The narcissistic abuser isn’t just your significant other. He or she can be a parent, a supervisor, or even your best friend. No matter what their role, experiencing abuse at the hands of someone with narcissistic tendencies or a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a lot like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall while walking on eggshells for someone who doesn’t think you’re up to the task.
Shifting between making you doubt reality, blaming you for their mistakes, telling you you’re the best thing that ever happened to them, and accusing you of being the reason for all their problems, the narcissist has a bag of psychological tricks that keep you under their thumb and in their thrall.
Like Zack, the abuser showers their intended victim with gifts, praise, and compliments in the beginning as a way to reel them into their orbit, then ridicules and finds fault with perceived mistakes. This is a sure-fire way to make the other person feel bad about themselves, guaranteeing that they’ll stay in the relationship because they no longer feel worthy of a healthy one.
Turning gaslighting into an art, the narcissist twists facts to their advantage, causing their victim to disbelieve their perceptions, doubt their memory, and feel that their sanity hangs by a thread.
After stripping them of agency, their grip on reality, and feelings of self-compassion, the narcissistic abuser systematically builds walls around the abused that keep others out. Planting seeds of doubt when it comes to family, friends, and outside entities who could provide support and hold a mirror up to the reality of the situation, the narcissist skillfully ensures that the person under their thumb remains trapped in the shadow world he has created and therefore in his power.
Understandably, those who experience this kind of abuse have crippling doubts about their perceptions, feelings, and abilities. Stuck in a relationship underpinned by fear, they’re often depressed and frazzled by its uncertainty—a state that can leave them with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The 5 Habits of the Narcissist
In addition to an overblown sense of their own importance and a willingness to exploit others in their orbit to validate themselves and exert their power, the narcissist typically displays the following five characteristics:
- An inflated Sense of Significance: Convinced that they’re not only the most important person in any room but that their opinion is the only one that matters, the narcissist bolsters their insecurities by inventing or inflating their achievements, believing this gives them the right to be treated with deference by those around them.
- An Insatiable Need for Recognition: Expecting praise and non-stop attention no matter how small their successes, the narcissist fills the holes in their confidence with the kudos of those around them.
- A Lack of Compassion: Burdened with an overwhelming need to make everything about themselves, narcissists are understandably unable to put themselves in the shoes of others.
- The Ability to Take Advantage: The narcissist uses every trick in the book to get their fix of applause and keep their hold on those around them. Altering facts and cultivating guilt, they’ll go to any lengths to get what they need.
- A Willingness to Pawn Off Mistakes: Convinced that missteps are never their fault, the narcissistic abuser always places the blame firmly on others and refuses to take responsibility for the negative consequences of their actions.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle in Relationships
Like other types of abuse, the narcissistic cycle follows a well-worn pattern. This pattern traps the victim in a web of trauma and intermittent reinforcement that often leaves them feeling too overwhelmed, emotionally depleted, and caught to find their way out. The four stages of this cycle include:
- Idealization: The honeymoon phase—this is the time at the beginning of the relationship or immediately following a bout of abuse when the abuser bombards their victim with compliments and heaps praise on them. Making the abused feel as if they are the center of their world, the narcissist hurtles the relationship toward commitment at breakneck speed.
- Devaluation: Things come crashing down at this stage, with the abuser engineering a breakup, keeping their distance, heaping scorn on the other person, making them doubt their reality, shifting blame, or all of the above. The abused then handles the narcissist with Kidd gloves as a way of trying to get back to the honeymoon phase.
- Discard: Abruptly axing the relationship or ghosting the other person, the abuser treats the abused as if they’re worthless and superfluous to their existence during this stage of the cycle.
- Hovering: Flipping the script, the abuser draws the target back into their web by overwhelming them with profuse apologies, paper-thin assurances of “never doing it again,” and over-the-top demonstrations of their undying love and commitment. This is all designed to bring the relationship back to the honeymoon phase, where the cycle can repeat itself.
Shutting Down a Narcissist and Surviving Narcissistic Abuse
The key to beating the narcissistic abuser at their own game is to refuse to provide them with the evidence they need to bolster their false narrative when it comes to their distorted perceptions of you, your weakness, and incompetence. Here are some strategies you can use to stop the narcissistic abuser:
- Recognize your strengths: Instead of focusing on past mistakes, zero in on the determination, diplomacy, and resourcefulness it’s taken to survive in a narcissistic relationship. Remember, the blame does not belong to you, but squarely in the lap of a master manipulator.
- Don’t play their game: Respond to questions concisely and impartially. Refuse to give the narcissistic abuser’s lies about you credence by defending them and set firm boundaries when it comes to what you’re willing to discuss. When in doubt, use JADE as your guide. Refuse to justify, argue, defend, or explain.
- Disengage: Resist the very human urge to fight back and land a well-deserved zinger or two because this will only fan the flames and give the abuser ammunition. Respond to well-worn insults with one-word answers such as “okay” and “understood.” Nip the usual argument triggers in the bud by saying things like, “I don’t want to argue anymore,” or “I’m not going there.” Remove yourself from the situation by leaving the room or getting in a few steps if you need to.
- Refuse to Repeat Past Mistakes: Think about the times you let others manipulate you into doing something you didn’t want to do or said no when you should’ve said yes and come up with strategies that will help you resist these temptations when the situation comes up again. Reflect on what the narcissist did and said to draw you into the relationship in the first place and use them as red flags to give you pause in the next.
- Make a Plan and Get Help: Unfortunately, trying to change a narcissistic abuser’s behavior is often a lost cause unless they’re willing to seek professional help, since they usually fall back on deflecting, blaming, and gaslighting to defend themselves. You have a responsibility to yourself to gather a cohort of supportive friends and family around you, enhance your knowledge about patterns of abuse, and find a mental health professional to help you learn to navigate your current situation and figure out next steps. If you decide to leave, sit down with your therapist to develop a plan that is safe and workable for you.
Conclusion
Narcissistic abuse and all of its distorted expressions don’t feel like love because it isn’t—it’s about power and control on the part of someone who appears supremely confident in themselves and their abilities but is riddled with galloping insecurities that can only be bolstered by the worship of those around them. But stopping the narcissist in his tracks is about refusing to play into the cycle of abuse. Respond in a way that doesn’t give them leverage, set boundaries, relinquish the need to be right, refuse to blame yourself, revisit your strengths, and if you don’t feel safe, seek professional help to get out of the situation.
References
Degges-White, Susanne. Ph.D., (2025, April 25). Recognizing and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202504/recognizing-and-healing-from-narcissistic-abuse
Navarro, Joe. M.A., (2026, June 11). The Hidden Cost of Chronic Narcissistic Abuse. Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/202606/the-hidden-cost-of-chronic-narcissistic-abuse
Charles Davis is an essayist who has written for a variety of academic publications, The Gay & Lesbian Review and The Christian Science Monitor. Mr. Davis also writes a blog on navigating loss and building a new life at: https://gayandgrieving.blog. He was a semifinalist for the 2023 Mason Jar Press 1729 Book Prize in Prose.